No, We’re Not Trying For a Girl.

No, We're Not Trying For a Girl

We get many comments when we take out troops out in public all together.  Some are funny and do make me laugh.  “Starting your own football team?”  Some make me smile, “I raised 5 boys too.  Boys are such a joy!”

Some make me think, “Did you really just say that in front of my children?” This isn’t meant to be a rant post but rather a “think before you speak” post. I did address this in my post 10 Things to Never Say to Moms of Boys but this one in particular I think needs extra attention.

The things that strangers say that bothers me the most is “So, trying for a girl?” I know you are not meaning to be offensive (or I hope so) but I don’t find this funny or appropriate, especially in front of my children.  It belittles who they are.  Kids are great at connecting the dots and saying that will likely lead to them thinking we don’t want him because he’s a boy, especially #3 and 4. They might think we were disappointed when they were born because they weren’t our longed for daughter.

Let me clear the air for everyone.  I have 4 boys because I wanted 4 children.  If we had had 1 boy and then 1 girl, we still would have had 2 more children. Boy or girl does not matter.

I like surprises but chose to have ultrasounds with all of my children because I didn’t want others to be disappointed at their birth. I knew I would be over joyed meeting my child for the first time, boy or girl, but I didn’t trust others to be as joyful and that made me sad. I didn’t want their birth to be clouded with disappointment.  I know most of my wonderful family would be truly happy and some at the very least would fein joy but I would still feel the disappointment in the air.

I saw a TV show once where a mom of many boys (I believe there were at least 6) was pregnant and the ultrasound showed a girl.  But they were wrong and she birthed another boy.  The mom was crazy with grief and wouldn’t even hold the child.  What kind of mother bases her love for her children on whether they are a boy or a girl?! What did that show her other children? I had to turn it off, I was so mad. And this was before I had my own houseful of boys. Maybe she reconciled her feelings at the end but no child should enter the world unwanted like that.

If we decide to have more children, there is a high chance it’ll be another boy and I’m fine with that.  Apparently we don’t make girls and I’ve accepted that. Heck, if I have a girl, I’d get booted from the Moms of Boys club. I’d have to buy all new clothes, very few hand me downs (I admit, I see that more as a plus than a minus).  It’d be a pretty big paradigm shift for me. All I know is boy. And I have to admit, girls kind of scare me, especially teenage girls.  I was one.

Even if someone were actually trying for a girl, it’s not something you bring up.  In most cases I’m sure the family loves each and every one of their blessings whether they are a girl or a boy. Even if the mom or dad were disappointed in not having a girl, chances are they are not disappointed in the child they did have.  And planting those thoughts in the child is not very thoughtful. If they are a good parent, they would keep those feelings to themselves and not want them aired in front of their children.

Please don’t ask a mom that question. And of course, this goes for moms of only girls as well.

10 comments to No, We’re Not Trying For a Girl.

  • Very well said, Melanie. I was also content, regardless of gender. I had someone tell me after my second was born that we could be done because we had a boy and a girl. It bothered me because gender made no difference to me. I went on to have 2 more boys and I don’t long for another girl. I’m happy with the beautiful children I was blessed with.

    Thank you for saying what needs to be said. Especially this: “Even if the mom and dad were disappointed in not having a girl, chances are they are not disappointed in the child they did have.” Children are so much more than gender.

  • Amen! I have 4 boys too and I HATE this question and the judgments and assumptions that accompany it. I actually had a stranger ask me, in the produce aisle of the grocery store, what was wrong with my husband’s sperm.

    Society’s assumption a mixed (boy/girl) family is best is so strong that we opted to not tell anyone Baby #4’s sex after we found out via ultrasound. After Boy 3, we’d already gotten too many sad looks from ppl. So we kept it to ourselves b/c we figured our friends and family would do a better job greeting an actual child with joy.

  • Oh – I am so glad to read this. We had three boys and then a girl. The comments from “Oh, you finally got your girl” to “Did you just keep trying until you got your girl?” Truth was, my husband and I both mourned the news of having a girl for a few weeks after the ultrasound showed her gender. No, we didn’t want a girl, we love our boys and knew a little girl would turn our lives upside down. On top of this, these comments make it seem like girls are preferable to boys. We had another baby because God allowed it, not because we thought we had failed the first three times. I keep thinking I’m going to come up with a witty come back but I’m always just agog at the audacity of people. By the way, by the time she arrived we were all 5 completely enamored with her and she was exactly what our family needed. Is it because she was a girl or did we all just need a little person to be less selfish? I don’t know.

  • I was the opposite of Mrs. K. I had two girls and then a boy. I too constantly get comments. Finally got your boy! Are you done now that you have your boy? To be honest, part of me wants to have another just to spite these comments…even though my hubby and I have decided our family is complete. We decided this before we ever found out what baby number three was going to be. I usually just smile and politely say, “We were done at three whether he was a boy or a girl…my body couldn’t handle any more.”. I figure they’re not trying to be rude and usually the line at the grocery store isn’t the best place to have a debate. Especially when I usually have to try and keep my son from crawling onto the conveyer belt or grabbing the little customer divider stick and hitting his sisters with it. 😉

  • kami

    our children are boy /girl/boy/girl and it drives me crazy when people say, oh that worked out perfectly for you. I think, “no the fact that we had 4 children worked out.” I didn’t care about gender. I have always been grateful to be able to have children and feel like we are blessed. boys aren’t better than girls, nor girls better than boys. they are just different, and each child is also different and unique.

  • Kara B

    Mom of 4 boys here and so proud of that I could burst. I get those “gonna try for a girl” comments all the time. I often reply with the truth. The day we found out #4 was a boy was one of the happiest days of my life. I would have loved to have a girl, but the family we created is exactly the right one for us. God knows what he’s doing!

  • I have three boys and then a girl, all in their 30s now, and I LOVE the name of your blog – been there, done that! And no, I wasn’t trying for a girl. Thought a girl to dress up would be such fun the first three times but by the fourth, I’d figured out that another boy would make life soooo much simpler. But she is such a blessing, as are each of her brothers. She and my youngest boy were just 17 months apart and it was so funny when they got old enough to play together outside. They’d be together doing the same thing for the same length of time and invariably he’d come in filthy and she’d come in clean. How does that happen?

  • Cristy

    I had 3 girls and then 1 boy. People constantly comment “you finally got your boy” as if we wouldn’t have had the 3rd or 4 the child if the second had been a boy. I hate that people minimize my children’s value based in their gender.

    On a side note, we got a wrong u/a w our first. People still talk about it, 8 years later as if it were some kind of joke . It was hard on me though. Being my first I spent a long time trough my pregnancy bonding and imaging my relationship with my son. I felt like I knew ‘him’. When she was born, the surprise combined with the frustration of nursing not going well along with crazy hormones sent me into a depression that I hid from everyone. My story is a little different, but this might give you a little insight into the story that you shared.

  • New follower simply because I came across this post!! Amen Sister!!

  • Rachel

    We have 5 sons that are 8 and under. We can’t go anywhere where we are not constantly spoken to. It’s like we are famous or something. I went through a stage after my 4th son was born where I was sick of going places. Where I was angry with all the dumb people and thoughtless comments. It was a very hard time for our family. I can honestly say now that the anger has been replaced with compassion. I feel so sorry for these people and with the world. I feel sorry that they live their lives in these negative thoughts. They live there lives thinking in terms of luck or by chance. They walk around being stupid and saying stupid things all day long. I truly feel sorry for them. How sad. I can escape once I return home, but they live like that all the time. I also started being more vocal. I speak to them openly like they speak to us. I will stand there and in a few minutes turn the conversation into something beautiful because I’m not angry or annoyed. I’m glad you opened it up because now your going to hear truth. Hear how beautiful life is and how wonderful children are boy or girl. So let them make their dumb comments, but they better get ready to listen.

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